Do you ever get moments in your life where you feel out of place? Moments where you don’t know if you should be in the places you are or the environments you are in? Because I do, constantly. Occasionally, I tend to sit back and observe those around me. I could be in a group of people, and I will go quiet and get in my head. I would question whether I should be in those conversations or be around the people and whether I am qualified to work where I work, in the field I work in, questioning everything I do.

Upon speaking with various people, I have noticed that I am not the only person who feels this way, and what I think it is – is Imposter Syndrome. What is Imposter Syndrome, you ask? I’ll inform you: According to Google, Imposter Syndrome is a psychological occurrence in which people doubt their skills, talents, or accomplishments and have a persistent internalised fear of being exposed as frauds.

On that quick Google search, I can admit that my mind and feelings regarding how I feel about myself and how much I doubt myself was written word for word.

I would classify myself as a semi-perfectionist. When I do something, I have to do it perfectly or as best as possible. Otherwise, I’d find myself starting over constantly. This is with everything, from my writing, working, housework – anything in general that regards me putting my mind to something I want that needs to be completed. It will take me hours to achieve something because I always doubt my ability.

Being this way has caused me to constantly second-guess myself, hindering me from doing things that I know I am more than capable of doing – whether it be applying for a job role that I know I am qualified for, writing multiple drafts for things I have written (for this post, this is draft number 4), and even things such as exercise funnily enough – I have to do out every exercise I did time before (which in the long run affects my physical health as I am meant to be doing it moderately).

My Imposter Syndrome has also caused me to reject compliments. I cannot take compliments from anyone to save my life. I would deflect, make jokes or flat-out ignore any compliment thrown my way. I could help someone close to me with their electronic devices, and they would be impressed, telling me how good I am – and I would downplay by saying things like ‘it’s the basics, I’m not that good’ – knowing that I know more than the basics. The thought of accepting a compliment makes me feel uneasy.

I have had to think about why I am like the way I am, why I doubt myself, why I have imposter syndrome, and the truth is, I don’t know why. Every day is a battle for me to put energy into believing I am good enough. A good enough son, brother, uncle, cousin, a good enough friend and when in a relationship, a good enough boyfriend. I doubt myself too much and have realised that it is not good. 

Ironically, I tend to call myself a positive person with absolutely everything, but am I really? How can I be a positive person if the one and foremost thing I cannot be positive about is myself? When speaking to people, on the surface level, I have been told that I have great energy and aura around me – a comfort. But, when people get to know me – the doubt in myself shines all the way through, and it shocks them.

I’ve been told that I could lack self-love. I didn’t understand it until it was explained that any belief within myself was lacking because I didn’t love myself enough. Hearing that got me thinking and believing it has contributed to doubting and second-guessing myself. It is true. I do lack self-love. I portray myself as what I would like to call a ‘soldier’ – a saying that God gives his hardest battles to his strongest soldiers is something I try to live by, loving myself – but in reality, my doubting of myself is due to me not loving myself as much as I should.

I struggle to believe that I deserve things and that I rarely treat myself. I rarely buy myself anything expensive or of value or that I have wanted, whether it be new trainers, electronic devices, consoles, etc. That is how bad it is – I feel guilty for even thinking of treating myself, which is wrong.

I want to round this off by saying to those with imposter syndrome that you deserve to be where you are – you’ve worked hard for it and have the skills and knowledge to go even further. Never let your mind trick you into thinking otherwise. This is something that I am still learning. A way of learning is by treating myself for the first time in a long time – I bought myself a PS5 recently after hesitating for so long – even when I thought I could afford it and had no reason to.

Your mind can be your greatest ally or enemy – as hard as it is, believe in your abilities and that you deserve to be where you are. Life is too short to doubt ourselves in our short time here. Live your life without any doubts the best way you can.