Closure

I don’t think that Closure exists. The reason I believe this is due to the circumstances I found myself in and the things I have experienced in life. This piece is strictly in my own opinion; I don’t believe in closure. I mean, I did think closure was a thing, until about a year ago and also recently. I used to struggle with it because I thought that it controlled my emotions, whether it was sadness, frustration or anger; I always wanted closure. However, why? Why did I need closure? What good would come from it? These are the questions that I asked myself last year back when I was struggling to deal with things. I would rake through my brain on why I would want closure on everything; why was it so important? In writing this, I hope to explain my reasons as to why I believe closure doesn’t exist; sharing my traits on how I dealt/deal with situations and how/if I have managed to get past it, officially putting an end to my relationship with closure.

What is Closure?

Everyone has their own opinion as to what closure means to them. I, myself have an idea of what closure is. However, in the dictionary, the word ‘Closure’ has many different shades of meanings. Two ways to describe it would be either as an emotional or physical meaning. An example of physical closure would be the closure of a shop, road or bus stop. Whereas emotional closure, which is what I struggle with and what I will be talking about, would be finding closure after an emotional hardship, whether it is in a friendship, relationship or with family.

 

Closure and I

I am a man who wears his heart on his sleeve when I care for people. If it’s family, friends or a girl that I am in a relationship with, I care deeply for them. I am there for them no matter what, in any situation; unless something physically or mentally stops me from doing so. That’s why whenever things go rancid with those that I care about, I used to and still in some way take it personally and question everything about it. I would even begin to doubt whether the friendship or relationship was genuine in the first place. Looking back, I realise that it was strange for me to question it, but at the same time it was how I felt and how my mind worked; as I was an over thinker and believed that the meaning of things was more profound than they were. I began to over think and over analyse what went wrong; when reasons for it going wrong could be entirely rational and very clear. Despite this, I would think of what could have prevented it from happening or how things could have worked on; always wanting to hold onto things and people.

Even though I wear my heart on my sleeve, I admit that I am petty, and I can hold serious grudges. These are traits that I have had for as long as I can remember; probably from when I was a child. I have held grudges for as long as I can remember; which is something that I am still working on. There are things that I had held grudges from when I was a 6/7-year-old boy – grudges with family members, friends and past relationships. I have a hard time letting things go, no matter how little they may seem to others. With my pettiness, I admit that I am a tit for tat person. It can be one thing done to me that can affect my mood or day in any shape or form; I will dish it back out with the same energy with no remorse. I am not proud of these traits; however, they are part of who I am and will continue to work on them.

In situations where things go sour, I will try to maintain what is left of the relationship with those that I care about until I reach a point where I cannot be asked anymore. A position where I would get a slight disdain towards the person. The grudge I would carry would have gotten to a point where I honestly did not care about the person at all and just got on with life. Now, I am not saying that this is a way to handle things, however, over time I have realised that worrying over thinking and caring for others who do not reciprocate it is just pointless; no matter what jokes or memories you have shared with these people.

My mind can be my biggest enemy. I literally remember everything, and I mean EVERYTHING! My memory is so good that people will most likely find it weird that I remember things. I can remember dates going back 10+ years and critical features in my life. That’s why when it comes to closure my memory is my own enemy, only because I will begin to remember things where I would say I was done wrong and would get annoyed thinking about it. Thinking back on it will just bring back the emotions that I had during the time where the situations had happened; causing me to continue the grudge and continue the pettiness; rather than letting go. Holding a grudge and being petty didn’t do anything for me, it just made me more of a bitter person towards those I once cared for and currently care about, despite how things turned out between us.

To a certain degree, I would say that my need for closure can relate to what I wrote about fear because I genuinely believed that I needed closure to have a piece of mind. Always going overboard, thinking of reasons as to why things would happen between the people I cared for and me; rather than taking in the situation. When I wrote about fear, it never occurred to me that it could potentially relate to wanting closure. You could say that I was afraid of not knowing how things would turn out between us; as well as being fearful of losing the people that I cared for, using closure as an excuse.

Through everything that I have been through with those I care for in my life, ‘closure’ was the one thing I always wanted but never got. If closure were to exist, then most things would work out for myself and for others people around the world. However, everything happens for a reason and is all part of God’s timing. Having wanted closure with many people that I have been in my life; family friends and past relationships, I have come to the realisation that they are just part of the history that God has created and intended for me. People move on, time goes on, and a New Chapter begins.