One thing that describes me through and through is that I have an addictive personality. It is that plain and simple. Once I get the taste or thrill of something I could potentially like, I tend to end up indulging or overindulging in things. Good or bad. That goes with everything in my life. Whether it is with competitions, games, weed, tobacco, shisha and mostly food. The effects are always the same, no matter what it may be. I do it too much, to the point where I no longer do it for leisure, and only do it because I am addicted. It becomes a crutch; it becomes my vice.
As I am writing this, I have been trying to better myself in all aspects of my life, particularly health-wise. While on this journey, I have noticed a few things about myself. Things that I have always known, but only I only push it to the back of my mind, ignoring it. Pushing it to the back of my mind would cause me to forget it because I would be too scared to admit it. Afraid to admit that there is part of me that I doubt, that I do not like. A part of me that is a major flaw that could cause me to fail in many aspects of my life.
I am writing this because I want to share my thoughts, acknowledging that I have these flaws, that I have these weaknesses. I know that I have my flaws; me admitting it could be the next step to me doing something about it. I could write this and keep it stored on my laptop, but what would that do? I’d still feel like I’d be hiding something. Putting it out there would be a leap that I need to make the changes in my life to get better… to be, better. In a way, me writing this is a true response to the people who ask what is going on in my life and in my mind. Normally, I would just say the usual, ‘living life’; avoiding any form of conversation about what I truly think and feel.
What is a Vice?
- All in all, a vice is basically a bad habit. It can go from smoking, to drinking, to eating, etc. Everyone has their own personal vice.
In my opinion, a vice can have both a positive and negative effect on a person’s life. In my life, it can be both, depending on what the vice is. A positive vice for me is writing. Any chance I get to write, I take it. whether it is writing my thoughts longhand, or typing things into Microsoft Word or Google Docs, or working on scripts or a novel. There is something very fulfilling about getting your thoughts and imagination out, from a blank page to full pages over some time. It is what I enjoy and is most likely one of the main things that bring me genuine happiness. Any stress that I would have felt would go away and weight would be lifted off my shoulders.
Even though writing has had a positive aspect in my life, I also believe it has had a negative impact too. I’d even go as far as to say that the negative is a significant problem in my life. My love and preference for writing has affected me so much that I find it difficult to articulate myself in person. I get flustered when speaking and begin to stutter. I try to say everything that is going through my head as fast as possible and end up stumbling on my words, which frustrates me. it is part of the reason why I hate phone calls or talking to people. Everyone knows that if you try to call me, threes a 9/10 chance you won’t get an answer or a call back. There are a very few people who I am comfortable to speak on the phone with. I hate having to repeat myself for people to hear and understand me correctly. If I am honest, this has been a problem even before writing became my vice, but it hasn’t helped either.
Any chance I get to avoid speaking, I take it. This will probably come as a shock to the people reading this that know me because they would say that I love the sound of my voice. When the truth is, I talk too much to get over my anxiousness and fear of speaking. The faster I get it out and the more I get out, the less I have to say. That might not make sense to others but makes perfect sense to me. Oh well.
Having an addictive personality has always been my downfall. There is always too much to the point that it is a detriment to my health. There was a period in my life where Weed was my go-to thing to unwind, relax and essentially escape from what I was going through. I started smoking it when I was 15 years old. I would smoke periodically now and then, which got more frequent as I got older. The older I got, I would smoke a few times every month, until I went to university. When I went to university, that was when it got bad for me. Starting as a Friday high day, eventually turned into me smoking near enough every day. Looking back at it now, I would say that I was a nitty. I don’t even know if people still use that term (I’m old).
The worst thing about it was that I was a secret smoker; no one knew the true amount that I would smoke. I would smoke socially before events or on random occasions with friends; but any chance to smoke on my own, I did. It got to a point where I believed I couldn’t function without it, and I genuinely think it affected my mental health. After a bad trip, I vowed to never smoke it again. The only time I would ever smoking it is if I was to go to Amsterdam. As I am writing this, it will be 6 years this January coming since I last smoked weed.
That is a major accomplishment for me, nearly 6 years no weed. I smoked it for around 5 years straight, and for me to be able to say that I am nearly 6 years free from it, truly means something to me. Now, I know it only took me having a bad trip to stop, but subconsciously I knew something was going to happen for me to stop all together.
The last few times I smoked it, my experiences kind of planted the seeds in my head that I knew I was going to stop. I’d record myself while high and could see that I was not reacting how I usually would to it. even looking back at the videos today, it is hard for me to watch. The effect it had on me mentally genuinely took a toll on me, and I can fully admit that I am not the same from when I had that trip. People who knew me and met me around that time would even say the same thing. I became a completely different person after that, no one heard for me. I was extraverted and outgoing, but it turned me into the complete opposite person.
It took me 5 years to stop that one addiction that I would call my vice. It may have taken a bad reaction that struck fear within me, but I don’t care. The most important thing to me is that I stopped. I am in a much better position, mentally compared to 6 years ago, due to me stopping.
Even though I no longer smoke weed and it is no longer my vice, there have been other things that have replaced it in one way or another. One thing that being is food. As I have gotten older, I have noticed a lot of things compared to when I was younger. I noticed the reason why I react to things the way I do, the reasons for those reactions and I ask myself what could have prevented me from reacting in such ways; over smoking, over drinking, in a way that caused self-harm. In noticing these things, I realised that food 100% replaced weed as my vice. My go to escapism to the stress and drama that I had/have going on in my life.
Instead of rolling a zoot when stressed, I would order or make food. I would overeat to fill some sort of void that weed once filled. In doing this, my health declined as a result from it. you would think that because my health is being affected that I would stop overeating and take my health seriously. You thought wrong. There have been many times where I have attempted to make the changes to live a healthy and better lifestyle but being human and not mentally prepared; I failed, multiple times.
I have written and rewritten this multiple times; created multiple drafts of this piece of writing. I’ve probably even repeated myself a few times. Overall, me writing this is to share what tends to come into mind, what struggles I have been facing with myself. This struggle… addiction, a vice, I sone topic among many other things I have written about.
Personally, on the journey I have been facing within myself, I have accepted and feel like a vice is another way of covering up that you have an addiction to something.
Don’t get me wrong, vices can be good for some people; depending on the type of person that you are. For me, there is not an in between; I can never have too little of something or too much, I am always all in. I always must go cold turkey because I know that I would always want more.
To be better, I must put in the time and effort to better myself. To gain the discipline and structure I need in my life, through all aspects.