I am the type of person who cannot stick to things, especially when it comes to something where I must focus. My mind wanders onto other things and I end up with unfinished tasks and goals that I set myself. My concentration levels are extremely poor to the point where it genuinely frustrates me and others around me.
I tend to start and stop a lot of things in my life. it could be things that I am meant to do, things I set myself to do, things that I say I will do for others; or even things people ask me to do for them, I find it hard to start and commit to it.
Commitment. That is a word that my mind and body can’t seem to comprehend, they can’t connect with the word. As much I understand the meaning and concept of the word, the actual act of committing to things is a true struggle for me and never seems to correlate with me. this had been a problem for me that has gone back many years.
What is Commitment?
- The ability or quality of being dedicated to a cause or activity
Now, looking at the definition, I know for a fact that I NEVER commit to ANYTHING.
I am currently 26 years old and my earliest memory of showing a lack of commitment is around the age of 7 when I wanted to learn Karate. My older brother and I took lessons and after a few times going, we stopped attending. Thinking back on it now, I don’t know why I stopped going. I was interested in it, or so I thought I was. You’d see me throwing punches and kicks around the house while watching Power Rangers as if I was one of them. I’m seriously confused as to why I stopped.
A couple of years later after that, I signed up for football at my Primary School and went to training once a week after school. People who know me know that I can’t stand football and are probably shocked as they are reading. I don’t know why I attended or even attempted to show interest in the sport. Attending football training didn’t last, I ended up spraining my ankle in training and stopped going after that happened.
One year later, I wanted to go to acting classes. So, my mum put me in a local drama class, around the corner from our house. I went for about 6 months and even did a play or two. But once again, I stopped going. This one confuses me the most because I loved acting and at the time, I wanted to be an actor. In a way, I think I was embarrassed to do it, I was always a shy child and hated people looking at me (perhaps because of the vitiligo I had). Despite being shy and hating being looked at, when it came to Primary School plays, you better believe that I was singing and acting my heart out; I took that shit seriously and to heart.
I start a new healthy lifestyle and start to do well with it, then halfway through I fall off drastically, which makes me go back to where I initially started. I buy a new book, start to read it, get halfway through then suddenly stop reading. Rather than picking it back up and continuing where I left off, I end up buying a new book, repeating the cycle.
Even with things that I claim to love doing, I struggle to stick with them. For example. Writing. I have been writing a novel for the longest time; the second I get writer’s block or some sort of creative drainage, I completely shut off and stop writing. I stop writing the novel and move on to writing scripts, where the same thing happens. I get inside my head and re-read what I have written or plotted, and automatically dislike it; causing me to create a whole new draft of what I was writing. As I am writing this, I am on my 7th draft in the space of a week due to my struggle with sticking with things.
It is clear to me that part of my problem is self-doubt and self-sabotage, imposter syndrome if you will. I have never truly believed in myself when it comes to the things I do. Always doubt whether my work is good enough. Don’t get me wrong, me doubting myself is never to do with me caring what other people think of my work; that’s not the case. It mainly is an internal battle for me; fighting within myself to push through all the doubt and fear I have within myself. In the last post ‘Vice (Addiction)’, I had it scheduled to be released the Sunday, but I talked myself out of it. if it wasn’t for my Mrs saying that I should post it, it most likely would have remained on my laptop, collecting dust with my other pieces of writing.
I am my own worst enemy. There is no doubt about that. There Is no one else to blame for my lack of commitment to things except for myself. Over the years I have become accustomed to starting and stopping things; essentially let’s call it quitting things. The second I feel a sense of struggle or feel a sense of dislike towards what I am doing, I zone out and no longer want to do it. the funny thing about all of this is that I am a sore loser, I hate losing, hate giving up, when it comes to things like games or something where it involves competitions. Yet, when it comes to sticking with things and putting that commitment in, I struggle and quit. It’s kind of weird and kind of contradictory in my opinion.
Even though I struggle to commit to things that I believe will help me with my future, I know and believe in my heart that no matter what, I will be good and set for life. For someone who has a lot of self-doubts within myself, I also have a ridiculous amount of belief within myself. Again, it sounds weird and contradictory, but it’s true. I am very optimistic about everything, which has gotten me through a lot of things in my life. I believe I have my purpose set for me in life and no matter what, that purpose will be fulfilling for myself and those around me.
This is going to be my second piece in a week. To overcome the doubts, I have and to break habits, I must force myself into a new mindset; a mindset where I no longer doubt myself, a mindset where commitment will be second nature to me, no matter what it will be towards.
The first step to commitment is towards my health, changing the way I approach things that could be a detriment to my health, both mental and physical. The second step is for me to work on my writing every day, even if it is a few words a day, a few times a week. I need to build a new mindset of creating habits that will benefit me in the long run.