Every day is a blessing. To have the ability to wake up every morning alive and in good health is a blessing that goes unappreciated in many ways. I have been unappreciative of the life given to me; the position I am in, the life I have been able to experience in the past 26 years has been one that I am forever grateful for. Yes, there have been dark days, but nothing will ever overshadow the positives I have faced in my life. Writing has enabled me to feel a sense of hope, a sense of belonging, a feeling of being grounded instead of the feeling of unease and doubtfulness.
With everything that I have posted the past two weeks, I feel like there comes a time in a person’s life where they need to sit themselves down and reflect. Sit themselves down and have a chance to be real with themselves. I am currently at this point in my life. This has been an outlet for me, the safest and best possible outlet. It has also been a way of people understanding me and, in some way, relating to me. I’ve received messages from people, telling me that they relate to what I have written, which has helped me in many ways to know that I am not the only one with these thoughts and feelings.
What I find very weird about myself, is that I don’t think that I am an emotional person. I feel like I am disconnected emotionally in some way. as much as I don’t think I’m emotional, I’ve realised that my writing could potentially come across as the direct opposite to people, and I am completely fine with that. For me to be better within myself, I know that I must lay bare my thoughts via this outlet, so if I am portrayed as emotional for doing it, then so be it. Everything that I have written and posted thus far has been an open letter to myself, being honest and admitting to things that I would constantly deny to others. Being real with myself. You could call it a diary.
A lot has been going through my mind, regarding my life, my future, about nearly everything. All the thoughts that cloud my head, I have written about. The one’s that I have posted, are the ones that have meant the most, to me. The ones that have led me to write this post. This post is the culmination of all my thoughts and feelings. Now, I am not saying that this is the last time I am going to post my thoughts because it’s not. This is just a tie-in of everything I am trying to accomplish, trying to be self-aware, acknowledging the faults that I have, openly.
The topic that I am writing about is something that I need to work on to take the next step in my life. Addictive Personality (Vice), and Commitment. I think they both can relate to this topic I am writing about. This topic is Discipline. I don’t think they relate; I know they relate. How can I overcome having an addictive personality without discipline? How can I commit to something if I am not disciplined to the act of committing? I can’t. That is the truth about it. To be better, I need to work on the art of discipline because it is an art.
What is Discipline?
- To train oneself to do something in a controlled and habitual way
Looking online, finding the definition of what discipline is, made me realise that I do have discipline. However, I have I towards the wrong things in my life. I am disciplined enough to dedicate my time and energy to complete ‘My Career’ in NBA 2K, but not disciplined enough to stick with reading and finishing a book. I am disciplined enough to watch films or tv shows, but not disciplined enough to eat correctly to live a healthier lifestyle. Can you see where I am going with this? When I think about it, I think that subconsciously I pick and choose when I can have discipline with something; when it best suits me at the time being, not for when it’s better for me in the long run. It is always a temporary feeling.
Despite being disciplined through other means that are not helpful to me, I lack discipline in most aspects of my life. It is that plain and simple. When I think about it, discipline is something that I have always struggled with from a very young age. There are many forms of discipline, but the one I am talking about comes in the form of self-discipline which is needed the most. Self-discipline is needed for a person to learn, grow, and develop into someone of true meaning. To learn a new craft, discipline is needed to dedicate the time and effort to it. To work on being a better person, you need the discipline to form a new mindset to approach things differently.
For many years, I haven’t had discipline in my life. In some ways, I have. Not in the way that would help me grow and develop, but in the way, I was raised; I was disciplined, I followed the rules, whether at home or school. That, however, was only until my mid-teens, around the age of 14/15. My dedication towards my education was no longer there and my performance dropped dramatically. I tried to get back to the grades I used to get, but it was a struggle to concentrate. The discipline I once had to get all my work done, was no longer there, no matter how hard I tried to focus on getting it back.
As I have gotten older, I feel like I have become more carefree with things, not caring about what could potentially happen if I am not dedicated or disciplined to be better. I have become the type of person who lives in the moment and would worry about things later; avoiding the consequences of my actions and how It could affect my future if I don’t work on being better disciplined. This is where it stems from. Whether it is my education, health, work, among many other things, I have no form of discipline within these anymore; not like I used to. I never used to be like this and that is what frustrates me the most about it. I know it annoys people around me, so of course, it annoys me; I just act nonchalant about everything as a defence mechanism, rather than dealing with it.
It is time that I let that guard down, stop being so defensive regarding my effort of putting into things because the facts are facts. I have many bad Vices; I struggle with committing and I have no discipline. I must work on all these things, starting with my ability to discipline myself; through everything. Everything I have written is out there now, publicly. So, I can’t back out of working on them, I must work on them, I NEED to work on them. I can’t make excuses for anything in my life because that’s what they are, excuses.
I know my potential, and I know what I can do within my life. They all start within me, working on myself, learning about myself, bettering myself. Discipline is at the forefront of what I can achieve with my life, physically, mentally, spiritually, and financially.
If you are reading this, I appreciate you taking your time out to read this. Sharing my thoughts has been a new lease I have needed for a very long time.
Greatness comes from Discipline