Everything I have written means something to me in more than one way. As someone who can’t express themselves, I write. I write my pieces as an open letter to myself and those around me who want to understand how I feel, what I think and why I am the way I am. If you have understood me from my writing, you are better than me because I still find it difficult to understand myself. I find it difficult to understand my triggers, the causes and the reasons why I have changed over the years. I would be lying if I said I haven’t changed because I have, especially within my friendships.

I cherish those closest to me, whether friendship or family. Friendship is something that I value; as much as it may appear that I don’t, I do. I don’t class every person I meet as a friend because I keep my guard up and don’t believe that you should allow anyone and everyone to have access to you; there needs to be some form of protection for yourself. However, with my friendships, I know that when in need, I am there the best I can be and vice versa.

What is Friendship?

  • A person is attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.
  • The state of being a friend; association as friends

I used to be a good friend; I would go above and beyond to help those around me, no matter what they asked. If I could help, I would help instantly without asking any questions. When I say I used to be a good friend, I don’t mean that I have been bad towards those I am friends with, but I have distanced myself from everyone, to be honest.

If you have read anything I have written, I am sure you know by now that I find it hard to speak about things. I am a professional bottler; I keep everything bottled up, and to myself, or on a rare occasion, I will mention an issue I have with something – which always ends up being a negative reaction the second it is done, hindering me from mentioning it again.

The older I get, the more I struggle to keep up with the maintenance of friendships – life gets in the way for me; I genuinely try my best not to let it stop me from contacting those closest to me, but the only thing I ever want to do is relax and keep myself to myself even more. When planning a meet-up with people, I dread it, not because of them, but because of how much I have let myself become this way.

I used to be a massive extrovert, a social butterfly if you will; I always went out with those closest to me, living life. Looking back to how I used to be, the more I realise how much I am not myself anymore – how much I have become a severe introvert. Mentally, I struggled and was never the same after a period of struggles I was going through. I genuinely believe that hurt my relationships with friends and family.

This piece is for those who have known me as a friend for a long time and have wondered what has happened to the friendship, what happened to the old ‘Tyrell’. The truth is, I don’t even know myself. Part of me feels like I am still the same fun-going Tyrell who loves to troll anyone and everyone, but I know I am not.

To have better relationships and friendships, I must be honest about how I have felt with people. Like most relationships with people, there are ups and downs; on my part, I never mention any of the downs that I feel, which in the long run would improve my relationships with people.

Although I know, I feel what the causes are of my poor communication and relationships with people, I also know that I need to have difficult conversations to understand how I have made people feel as well as let them know and understand where I am coming from and have felt as of late.